What to know about intimate partner violence

Intimate partner violence, also called domestic violence, affects people of every age, sex, race, ethnicity, and economic class. In fact, more than 41 percent of women and nearly 26 percent of men in the United States have experienced it in their lifetimes, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

A broad term that includes different forms of abuse, intimate partner violence may be:

• Physical, such as slapping, hitting, or hair pulling
• Emotional, such as humiliation, excess criticism, or name-calling
• Psychological, such as intimidation, isolation, and threats
• Sexual, such as rape, assault, forced touching, or sexual mistreatment
• Economic, including controlling money, assets, or financial decisions
• Stalking

It can be committed by a past or present intimate partner. This person may be your spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or someone you’re having sex with or dating.

Intimate partner violence has long-lasting, far-reaching consequences. It can lead to severe physical and mental health issues, grievous injuries, and death. In 2021, about 34 percent of women who died by homicide (murder) in the U.S. were killed by a current or former intimate partner, according to data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics. For men, it was about 6 percent.

Here’s how to recognize the warning signs, plus steps to take to get help.

Recognizing the warning signs

While intimate partner violence can involve anyone, women, people of color, people with lower incomes, pregnant people, and younger adults are at higher risk. Transgender and non-binary people report dramatically higher rates compared to heterosexual, gay, and lesbian people, as well.

Most abusive partners are looking to gain power and control. Abusive situations can be hard to distinguish sometimes, but signs include:

• Extreme jealousy
• Pressuring you to do things that make you uncomfortable
• Telling you that you’re a failure or can’t do things right
• Keeping you from loved ones and social situations
• Mocking or shaming you in front of others
• Physical intimidation, especially involving weapons
• Destroying your things
• Taking control of your time, social contacts, finances, or decisions
• Controlling your reproductive choices by not having safe sex, passing you a sexually transmitted infection (STI), sabotaging your birth control, keeping you from using birth control, or making you get an abortion

If you recognize these signs or if your situation has escalated, it’s important to get help.

What can you do?

If you’re experiencing violence or abuse of any kind, know there are people and resources that can help, regardless of your age, income, or immigration status. In a situation where your life or safety is immediately at risk, choose escape as your first option, rather than attempting to stay and fight. As soon as possible, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

If you are not in crisis and have more time, enlist the help of professionals to create a safe escape plan. These organizations can help:

• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY). Operators are available 24 hours a day and offer services in a wide variety of languages. They can help you decide on a course of action and connect you with local resources, including shelters in your area. Their online guide to safety planning is another valuable resource.
• Call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 866-331-9474 or 866-331-8453 (TTY) or chat online at loveisrespect.org.
• Use WomensHealth.gov to look up resources by state.

Keep the following tips in mind during the planning process. They can help ensure a safer experience for you and other family members while you are preparing to leave the situation:

• Use a public computer (like at the library) and a disposable phone when planning an escape. An abuser could monitor your phone or computer history.
• Make an extra set of keys and hide them in case you need to flee. Once you’re safely away from active danger, search your car for tracking devices and remove them. Turn off the Find My iPhone feature on your mobile phone.
• Create a code word or a symbol with a trusted friend for emergency situations. For example, you could tell your neighbor to call 911 if the porch light isn’t on at night.
• Keep a record of physical abuse, including photos if possible and dates when it occurred.
• Try to save money. You may want to ask people you trust to set some aside for you, or to hold onto your savings.

How to help others

If you suspect another person is being abused, here’s what you can do:

• Listen more than you talk. You don’t know how they’re feeling, and you can’t give them all the answers.
• Tell them you’re their safety net. Let them know they’re not alone and that you’ll help however you can.
• Know that abusers often isolate partners from their support network. Be patient and supportive, even if the person doesn’t always seem receptive to your help.
• Don’t tell them what to do, but do offer specific help. For example, you could say you’ll pick the kids up from school or research shelters from the safety of your home computer.
• Make an emergency plan together. Agree on a code word or signal that means they need immediate help. Know exactly what to do in that situation.
• Understand they might not leave their abuser. Continue to support them and do everything you can to keep them safe anyway.

If you’re not sure how you can help another person with their specific situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY).