How to survive the holidays when you have social anxiety

If you are one of the 15 million adults in the United States with social anxiety, you know that attending gatherings, parties, or other social events can be challenging.

Social anxiety (also known as social phobia) is a condition marked by worrying about what other people may be thinking about you or what’s going to happen in social situations, says Emily Newberry, MS, LPC, a licensed professional counselor in Macon, Georgia.

“It’s about the perception that you’re ‘performing’ for others," says Newberry. "You have a fear that you’ll be judged based on your looks or behavior."

Social anxiety may also involve feelings of worry or fearfulness in social settings. And if your anxiety is severe, it may start to interfere with your daily routines, job performance, friendships, and sleep.

What are the signs of social anxiety?

Social anxiety affects everyone a little differently, but there are a few common signs. If you’re experiencing any of the symptoms below, you may have social anxiety:

• You feel anxious around people you don't know
• You feel self-conscious in front of people and worry about feeling criticized, rejected, or teased
• You avoid places that will have a lot of people
• You worry for days or weeks in advance of upcoming social events
• You feel insecure or out of place in social settings
• You find it difficult to make new friends or maintain current friendships
• You begin to blush, sweat, tremble, or feel nauseated around other people
• You experience fear, nervousness, or a racing heart in social situations

How to relieve anxiety in social situations

Are there parties, social gatherings, or family celebrations in your near future? Newberry’s advice: Don't skip them. Even if you feel inclined to stay home, doing so can feel more isolating and may bring up more negative emotions.

To help navigate difficult social situations, try these techniques:

Get prepared

People who have social anxiety often think about a social event for weeks or months before it occurs, says Newberry. Worrying over it for an extended period of time can create even more anxiety.

It may help to prepare yourself for casual conversations beforehand. Think of some questions you can ask people to get conversations started. You can plan to ask someone about their family, kids, job, sporting events. You can even pay a friendly compliment about what they’re wearing.

“People love to talk about themselves,” says Newberry. Starting conversations in this way can serve as a simple ice-breaker and time-filler.

It can also be beneficial to practice calming techniques before you go to a gathering or event. Deep breathing, for example, can relax your entire body and reduce your anxiety. Breathe in slowly for a few seconds, hold it for a few more, then breathe out equally slowly. Progressive muscle relaxation can also help.

“I teach people to tense all of their muscles and hold them like that as long as they can,” suggests Newberry. "Do a quick body scan and recognize that all of your muscles are as tight as you can make them. Then slowly release them."

Try these exercises while you’re in the car or on your way to the gathering. If you get tense during the event, politely excuse yourself and do some deep breathing in a private room or even the bathroom.

Try being an observer

If you're afraid or anxious when you get to an event, consider being an active observer, says Newberry.

“Take it as an opportunity to people-watch," she advises. "Doing so can alleviate some of the stress. When you see people acting silly or doing funny things, it can actually decrease your own anxiety.”

Offer to lend a hand

Don’t worry if you don’t feel comfortable hopping from one conversation to another. You don’t have to force yourself to be a social butterfly if it's not your nature. You can still stay engaged without having to do a lot of socializing. Try asking the host if they need any help in the kitchen refilling the snacks or help with cleanup.

Be open about it

Most people don’t want others to know about the anxiety they’re experiencing, but Newberry says it’s better to be open about it.

“Find someone you can trust and tell them that you’re feeling anxious,” she says. Others will usually chime in and admit they are dealing with the same issue. “Sharing that you’re dealing with social anxiety can normalize the feelings that you’re having and lighten the situation, so you don’t feel so alone."

Grab a friend

Having someone to lean on at the party can be helpful.

“Invite a friend you can trust, someone who knows you’re experiencing anxiety,” Newberry recommends. You want someone you feel comfortable with by your side. A companion will also give you someone to socialize with during the event.

Take a walk outside

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, taking a walk outside can help calm your nerves.

“Take a deep breath of fresh, cool air and remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes,” says Newberry. You’ll feel much better when you go back in.

Meditate

You may not necessarily want to bring a yoga mat or meditation cushion to a party, but taking a few minutes to practice a brief mindfulness meditation can bring you back into the moment, says Newberry. Meditation is best used as part of your daily routine, but if your anxiety at a party becomes overwhelming, it’s quite alright to step away to take some time for yourself.

“You can wear a textured bracelet and roll it through your fingers while you tune into your breathing," Newberry suggests. "This can help ground you to the moment when you begin to feel overwhelmed. When we are anxious, we tend to feel comforted by keeping our hands busy."

If there is a picture on the wall, look at the picture and imagine what it would be like to be a part of the scene. “Practicing these techniques will take you out of your head and allow you to focus on something very specific,” Newberry adds.

Many people don’t recognize how their bodies react to anxiety until it’s too late and then they panic, she says. By taking some time to meditate, you can help slow down your breathing and pay more attention to your body.

Don’t use alcohol as a crutch

Turning to substances such as alcohol or drugs to get through a social event can be unhelpful and even dangerous. Many parties are going to have alcohol, and it’s okay to have a drink if you limit your intake. (Health experts recommend limiting alcohol to one drink per day for women and people assigned female at birth or two drinks for men and people assigned male at birth.) But if you can’t go to a social event unless you’re drinking, or you have to take a pill to feel relaxed enough to get through the event, you may need to seek help for your anxiety.

Social anxiety is a serious and very common disorder, but it doesn’t have to spoil your opportunities to spend time with others. If you’re having trouble managing the condition on your own, see your healthcare provider to discuss treatments like talk therapy or medication that may help.