How to celebrate the holidays when you can’t be together

Maybe you caught the flu or are recovering from surgery. Maybe a mobility issue is making car travel a challenge. Maybe a snowstorm grounded your flight.

Whether it’s caused by illness, injury, severe weather, or something else beyond your control, there may be years spending the holidays with loved ones just isn’t possible. And even when you see it coming, missing out can be painful. You may feel sad, lonely, or a sense of loss.

Phone and video calls can help make the distance seem a little shorter. But they’re not the only ways you can stay connected. Learn what the holidays can mean for mental health, plus ways to celebrate when you can’t be together.

Why holidays are so important

Regardless of the circumstances, the pull of holiday traditions is especially strong, says Neda Gould, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, Maryland.

“Traditions help us create times to look forward to and a sense of comfort and stability,” says Gould. “They help give structure to the year and to our lives.”

For people struggling to cope with health issues, stress, or loss, anything that provides comfort, stability, and structure has enduring appeal. The desire to relive family memories—opening presents under the Christmas tree, frying up potato latkes for Chanukah, or lighting candles on Kwanzaa—is often as real and strong as those factors that may prevent families from being together.

It's difficult to let these sorts of traditions go, Gould says. “It can create a sense of sadness and grief.”

Consider constraints—and seek alternatives

When life interferes with tradition, try changing your mindset. Use your constraints to come up with creative alternatives. That may include trying a new recipe or sending creative video messages to family and loved ones, Gould says. Doing so can help you reset, create special new traditions, and start the new year with a fresh outlook.

You might also try to practice mindfulness and embrace the more mellow time at home during what can be a stressful time of year even under the best of circumstances. A stressed brain tends to overlook the positive, Gould notes.

“This is a great time for reflection,” Gould adds. If you have to stay home, “we can keep some mental or physical notes about anything we enjoy around the holidays. Were there any silver linings, such as not being overextended? During the holiday seasons to come, we can remember that we can simplify our holidays to focus on what really matters.”

Find ways to modify your traditions

There are ways you can adapt your holiday customs, honoring your need for traditions during times when travel may not be advisable or possible. Some alternative ways to celebrate include the following.

Swap recipes

Exchange your favorite holiday recipes with friends or family via email or text and try out each other’s creations. Or, instead of cooking a holiday meal and tiring yourself out, support a small business by pre-ordering one from a local restaurant.

Consider homemade gifts

If your budget is tight and you enjoy artsy projects, make your own gifts for family and friends. Rather than spend your time and money shopping, knit a hat or scarf, bake treats, or create a photo collage. If there’s time, you can ship presents for family and friends to open presents virtually.

Decorate your space

Even if you’re not with friends and family this year, decorate your home or apartment to give it a festive feel. Build gingerbread houses, decorate cookies, or make holiday decorations. You can share your creations virtually or have a friend drop them off at other's homes.

Enjoy the outdoors

If you are able, bundling up and taking a winter walk can help you avoid feeling cooped up at home.

Ultimately, it comes down to looking for creative ways to stay connected. “Think outside the box,” Gould says. “What can we do to bring a little joy this year?”